The Top 5 Reasons They Need To Add An Applebee’s To The Survivor Island
Season 50 of Survivor is coming around the corner. So many fans and former players online are preoccupied with stupid little stuff like who will be on the cast, whether there will be Final Four fire-making, and what twists/advantages will be in play. Those are small potatoes compared to what I’m here to talk about.
What we as fanbase truly need to focus on is that there needs to be an Applebee’s placed on the island where the Survivor players compete. The players will not be allowed to eat or enter the Applebee’s while it’s on the island except for one reward challenge a season — however, the existence of the Applebee’s will add so much to the show and franchise. If you don’t believe me, here are five reasons why:
5 To Torture The Competitors
Growing up, I played youth soccer for six years at a field that was behind a Panda Express. Every time my coach would make us run laps, we would get so close to the Panda, and the smell of orange chicken while we ran would have us hankering for Chinese food. I wasn’t running those laps on an empty stomach, either. Practices were in the afternoon/evening, so I’d likely already eaten breakfast & lunch, yet that faint odor of chow mein would have my mouth watering.
Imagine someone on an empty stomach having to smell Applebee’s wings, mozz sticks, and ribs? It would drive them mad. Ever since Survivor went from 39 Days to 26, I’ve never fully bought that the game is more intense now. Having the stench of Applebee’s all across the island while you’re laying in the sand hungry at 3 AM will test the mental fortitude of these competitors.
4 We’re Out Of Sia $
We all thought the Sia money was unstoppable. It wasn’t. While cheap thrills can be fun — it would be awesome to be able to give out a prize to a fan-favorite player every year. Fortunately, Applebee’s is an institution built with a titanium-strong foundation that can step in and help. The fans should be able to vote on the King or Queen Applebee of every season, and that person can either take $1,000 in cash or $100,000 in Applebee’s Gift Cards (non-transferable, unless by death).
3 Tourist Attraction
My desire to go to the Applebee’s in my local shopping mall is very low. The parking there is terrible, I might run into people I know, and I’ve already been there. You know where I haven’t been to, though? An Applebee’s on the island of Fiji where they play Survivor. You must have gotten chills reading that, and I’m guessing your desire to eat there is high like mine. Realistically, I’m not sure I could afford it right now; however, there are a lot of crazy diehard Survivor fans who would do it. And if they ever did it while a season was filming, there are some absolute sickos who would pay top dollar. Who needs to pay for a cameo from Zach Wurtenberger when you can have an Applebee’s Bourbon Street Chicken & Shrimp plate on that island instead? Hell, if you take your time to enjoy your food, you’ll basically spend as much time eating as Zach did in the game.
To make the best tourist experience possible, the trip to Fiji can maybe include a 3-day water cleanse. That way, once it’s over, you’ll be as hungry as the competitors on Survivor, so the Applebee’s feast will taste especially good.
2 Dollaritas Will Be Made Available To Competitors
If you’ve never been to Applebee’s, they have something that’s called a Dollarita. A Dollarita is a Margarita that costs $1. It’s pretty fucking awesome. Along with the traditional water well found on most Survivor seasons, we will have a Dollarita station on the island where players can refill as much as they want. The only caveat is that each Dollarita they take will be deducted from the money they get at the Survivor Auction.
Some would say that it’s a dangerous move to promote alcohol on National Television in such a way. My response is that this show promoted Russell Hantz and his bloodline on National Television for many years, and he’s much more dangerous to this world. Additionally, the Dollarita is a promotion of good financial decisions.
Now, the real reason why I want the cast to be supplied with Dollarita’s is because we’ve seen competitors get a little tipsy on reward dinners and blow up their game. When you mix drunk with power with drunk on Dollarita’s, you have the potential for the most explosive & exciting Survivor game possible.
1 We’re Playing Hard To Get For A Chili’s Sponsorship
As much as I appreciate Applebee’s, Chili’s is the superior product. The Triple Dipper is elite, a Skillet Queso can make the world a better place, and a cold Presidente Margarita can really tie the knot on the day. In order to get a Chili’s sponsorship, we have to work our way up and show that we can be a good partner to Applebee’s. Once we’ve proven that, we turn that Applebee’s into a Chili’s because I want my Baby Back, Baby Back, Baby Back.
