Paulie Calafiore Thinks He’s A Challenge God. Let’s Have Him Prove It.
Paulie Calafiore has not been on The Challenge since War of the Worlds 2, and he has been extremely vocal about this fact, often taking jabs at the current state of Challenge competitors. His Twitter feed is a barrage of Retweets/Tweets talking about how current cast members would be terrified if he came back, how he’d dominate the show if he and Cara were back on, and how he was an elite villain. Yadda yadda yadda.
Now, I often vacillate between whether or not I want Paulie back on The Challenge. On the one hand, Paulie was an undeniably major character in all three of his seasons and was a strong competitor with crazy good daily challenge stats. Selfishly, I’d love to have Paulie back on the show because he makes life easier as a content creator, where I can easily make fun of him on Twitter or in my blogs. On the other hand, I don’t think he should be on the show because some of the people/posts he and Cara have posted/reposted/promoted over the last couple of years are legitimately dangerous considering the type of platform/following they have. Then again, The Challenge has cast a boatload of shitty people waiting behind every single elevator door over the years.
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What’s tough is I agree with Paulie when he says the casts, specifically on the male side, have been much weaker in recent years (the female casts for S35 and S36 were stacked). However, what I don’t enjoy is Paulie talking shit as if he is some mega Challenge God when all he does is choke or chicken out during the biggest moments. While I won’t lose sleep if Paulie is never on The Challenge again, I wouldn’t mind seeing him go toe-to-toe with certain people.
This leads to why I’m writing this blog: I have a pitch for both Paulie and MTV.
A special Challenge episode/event where Paulie goes into Best of 7 Series of Eliminations (1 -Elim a day) against current Challenge men. If Paulie wins, MTV will give him a guaranteed spot in the next two seasons along with Cara, and importantly, he gets an ego boost, which is what he always wants. If he loses, then he’s a loser. Simple as that.
Personally, I think he’s a great idea because I came up with it. You might wonder what the eliminations would be and who he would face. Let’s jump right into it.
Sidenote: We aren’t going to have him face CT or Jordan or Wes or anyone like that because even though Paulie puts respect on their names as competitors. Paulie will be facing the people he fully think he’s better than.
ELIMINATION #1 Reverse Tug of War vs. Nelson
Nelson is fast, fit, and has a ton of heart. He’s also a “shorter” guy, around 5’7–5’8, with low body fat, where he wouldn’t be someone who would be too heavy to beat in a reverse tug of war. It wouldn’t be a lay-up, but it definitely won’t be easy either.
ELIMINATION #2 Spelling Bee vs. Devin
I tried to give Devin a headbanger elimination. Unfortunately, production told me under no means is Devin allowed to be in one. Nonetheless, Paulie has been pretty good in mental challenges in the past, so let’s put these two men in a spelling bee. Paulie might be a significant advantage here, considering Devin’s learning disability. Although I’m also diagnosed dyselxic, and I’m pretty damn good at spelling.
ELIMINATION #3 Knot So Fast vs. Jay
Paulie’s wet dream is beating CT in elimination the way Jay did on Total Madness, so let’s put them up against each other in Knot So Fast. Paulie’s cardio and problem-solving skills lead me to believe he’d do pretty well in this elimination.
ELIMINATION #4 Hall Brawl vs. Cory
We will give Paulie a Hall Brawl against a guy who has never been in a headbanger elimination. The only negative is that he is facing a guy who was supposed to be a college defensive back and is one of the fastest men in Challenge history. People like to make fun of Cory, but he’d be tough to face in a Hall Brawl.
ELIMINATION #5 Seek and Destroy vs. Fessy
Paulie and Fessy in the same elimination that Ashley and Priscilla played on SLA, except we will make it more tires and a more complex memorization set.
While everyone thinks about Fessy as a brute, he’s killed a bunch of heavy cardio events and has proven to have good endurance as long as snow isn’t involved. Fessy’s also proven to have solid memorization skills. Paulie has similar strengths. Put these two against each in this type of elimination, and you begin to wonder who will have the edge.
ELIMINATION #6 Balls In vs. Johnny Bananas
ELIMINATION #7 Pole Wrestle vs. Kyle
Paulie opting up of facing a hobbled Kyle in Hall Brawl on War of the Worlds 1 after calling him out all season felt cowardly, even if it was the smart/logical move. Have him make amends and let these two battle in a Pole Wrestle. I know Paulie thinks he’s better than Kyle, and it probably eats him up that many refer to Kyle as a modern-day Pole Wrestle King. I’d pay $9.99 to watch these two Pole Wrestle.
BONUS FOR FUN ELIMINATION #8 Crying Battle vs. Josh
I’ve watched these two men cry enough on Reality TV that I know they could each fill a bucket with their tears.
DISCLAIMER: I AM LEGITIMATELY DYSLEXIC.